Depressed

Hey,

So firstly this is my second blog. Haven't been on my first one for 10000 years so I made a new one. I will start my first blog by introducing myself. I'm Farah, 15 this year. Born on 1st of January. This will be my online diary, don't judge. You can choose to not read but I'm writing this for myself. Hmmmmm well to be honest, I'm one really insecure kind of girl. I compare myself with every girls I see, try to act like them so I could feel loved by someone. It's really hard to get someone who loves you for you thesedays, you see. Speak about someone loving you for you, here's my story.


19th October 2012, 

I met this wonderful guy. I had a crush on him and our sisters are best friends. We got together few days/weeks later. He's a really nice guy. He cares about my feelings, has a great sense of humor. Just the exact perfect guy any girl could ever dream of being with! We hung out quite often, have cute pictures, celebrated 2012 countdown in each other's arms, he kissed my forehead and wished me "happy birthday" on 12.01 am 01/01/2013, and he's the only guy I don't feel insecure hanging around with. He saved my life, he's a really big part of me. But....

25th January 2013,

3 months 7 days, it all couldn't last long. It ended. Our love faded, our relationship is over. It's the end. The end of us, the end of our friendship... the end of my life. I really din't expect that to happen, not in a million years. He used to tell me he loves me everyday and always swear and promise me to never leave me. But oh look, he left me. He told my best friends that he lost his feelings towards me since we stopped talking the week before. When my best friend told me about it, I broke down. I teared up. It was really heart-breaking. I gave all my love for him and this is what I get in return. I cried myself to sleep every night, afraid of losing him, afraid of seeing him falling into someone else's arms. Life is so unfair. I did so many stupid things when I get depressed. Started to cut myself, try to eat as much pills as I can to shoo this unwanted feeling in me. I know it's stupid but.... I hate myself so much. For being ugly, fat and not as pretty as other girls out there. A friend of his told me that he likes someone else. She's an eurasian, many guys are after her. That's what made it worse. I get jealous easily. I just, really, really, sigh I give up. I give up on life, I give up on myself. I just, I can't be perfect. 


I can be really happy and retarded in public. But once you know what's going on behind the locked door of my room, it's so much different. I just, give up. 

The very first picture of us, in my primary school on 24th October 2012